Writing 101: Day 4 Challenge Part 1

Write about a loss: something (or someone) that was part of your life, and isn’t any more.

I think someone said “to have loved and lost is better than to never have loved at all” (cheesey i know) however they make a good point, to have truly lost something then you have to have loved it in the first place, but the love you feel for objects is not the same that you feel for family members and thusly the feeling of loss is different.

For me loss is not something i deal will with very well and i am happy to hold my hands up and say this, i have lost a few truly great people over the years and it saddens me in many respects to think of then, but i do try and counteract this by reassuring myself they would be proud of my achievements and all the other things people say to reassure themselves.

My grandmother on my mothers side was a difficult lady and when she died i had mostly come to peace with this thought as she was quite ill towards the end, i cried 2 tears at her funeral one from each eye, reflecting on this it speaks volumes regarding my behaviour subsequently as i didn’t really deal with her death, so much as to put it to one side, i could make a bunch of excuses but none of them are justifiable considering it was my grandmother. Society dictates that we must grieve…but in Switzerland (along with many other things) death is dealt with in a very clinical way and is over in about 5-7 days which i find extraordinary…how does that allow anyone time? we all grieve in different ways and for different lengths of time, i cant imagine something so important being treated so coldly. but weirdly thats what i seemed to have achieved with my grandmother…

To say that things changed after she died is true, my mother was almost happier and more relaxed as she had always spent lots of time with her, helping her, listening to her criticism of “why cant you be more like your brother” (bearing in mind that he hadn’t called or visited in about 20 years) and “why cant you be more like my friends daughter she does everything for her” (again bearing in mind my mum worked full time and spent pretty much all her lunchtimes and after work helping her). For me it was not so much of adjustment, despite not living far from my grandmother i didn’t see that much of her, i was too busy being a teenager and going to college; besides my justification was that she was rude and abusive to us whenever she saw us so why should we actually have to put up with her behaviour? The change in my mother affected me more than the death of my grandmother which again is a very odd thing to say as you wouldn’t have thought that it would occur like that.

The subsequent years meant that i had only one set of grandparents who i loved unconditionally (not to say that i didn’t love my grandmother it was just a different kind of love) i couldn’t imagine losing my fathers parents and often hoped upon hope that the day would never come that i had to say good bye, inevitably it did some 10 years after, and it has affected me in a fair more noticeable way (possibly due to other issues which are have affected me and some which continue to now). However it did make me think when my fathers mother died, it was a very difficult time as she became very difficult towards the end (possibly because she didn’t want people to miss her or even that she was losing her mind) but the last time i visited her she was horrible to me and we got in to a huge argument, when she died i felt some guilt that i had nearly reacted in the same way as with my other grandmother but i reminded myself that my dads mother i’m sure never meant to hurt me before my grandfather died she was lovely and kind and caring (being married for 65 years meant that she was devastated to be apart from him and she even said that had it not been for us she would kill herself rather than go on without him) whereas my mothers mother was unfortunately a bitter old woman who resented doing things for herself and did little to help others unless it provided her gain in some way (to this day i am not sure why, she lost her husband just after my sister was born, he treated her like royalty i guess she was just not used to looking after herself hence my mothers efforts to help her so much)

Not having any grandparents at all is a very strange feeling, i often go to ring them on a sunday morning still or when i’m at my mothers i freeze if the phone rings when she’s cooking dinner as Nanna always used to do that and i keep thinking that its her calling (more often than not its just telesales people), it oddly means that we are now not committed to anything at christmas (apart from dads birthday which is christmas eve and even then he is quite relaxed on whats going on) and there isn’t ‘the trip’ to see them every so often anymore, I still feel like they are missing from my life but i do feel them looking down over me, i don’t know if they will be proud but i hope so.

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