Im sorry i cant be everything you want me to be, you ask me why i don’t want to be in a relationship and why i am not looking for anyone, its because all i want is you, i will always love you despite our differences and our frustrations.
I know you don’t want me to change for you but having grown so used to you being in my life it is so hard to let go and put my heart on the line with someone else…i know the discussion we had on my return i said i don’t want to be with you but if i am really honest i do, i am just scared that all the things we fear will come true, the good times are totally amazing but the bad times hurt more than anything i have ever experienced in my life.
It hurts me when you say that you want to be in a relationship when you clearly mean not with me, i don’t want you to ‘settle’ for someone that doesn’t fulfil your every need.
As i sit here thinking about the conversation we had last night, still raw in my mind, i am not twisted by you seeing your ex but your reaction that it reminded you that you are happy in a relationship when you have sworn so many times you cant be because you are scared.
That you don’t want to be with me even though you stay in my life and evidently feel something for me, you say when we argue you want to walk away, i know that its because you care, people cannot be completely emotionless it is not the way we are wired whatever you or anyone else thinks or says, we demonstrate that fact everyday, i don’t want it to be because you feel obliged for that just insults and belittles not only my feelings but yours as well.
I know that without me you would struggle to support yourself and I will always help you because you are my friend but you should never feel compelled to give me something that is false or a hollow gesture just because you feel that you should to repay me in some way, as i have said many times i don’t expect repayment and i know you want to because ‘thats you and its the principle’ it just feels strange that someone would repay me as all the other people i have helped have never given back to me.
Please do not read this and think i am angry for all i want is to have my say even if you will probably never see this and maybe one day we will have this conversation but for now it remains here and you and i remain anonymous.