As the weather becomes shorter even the centre of town becomes more and more beautiful to me. The grey light makes everything more mysterious. Even the local park becomes a dew covered landscape, the mist making everything slightly blurred to the eye.
Despite this children and families come to picnic and play in the park. Among the fallen leaves, they jump around covering themselves in mud shouting obscenities – much to their parents disgust (it amazes me that such language comes from the mouth of babes)
Thinking about the things i have acquired today it inspires me think about the future and what it holds…I have a new notebook and diary for the next year, the library books i want are on order and the art supplies that i needed for the collaboration i’m doing have been bought. The new calligraphy set reminds me of happier times when i was younger.
I hope that next year will be the start of a new beginning unfortunately this is something i have been saying for some time and i am aware that the only one in control of my destiny is me, there is no time like the present…blah blah blah but my immunity to change is deep rooted.
I have myself for this thought and i know that it frustrates others who want to see me grow but my ability to shut people out is unnerving and yet i cant control it. The moment people get close i shut them out, i can only make mundane conversation about everyday life which is very sad as mundane conversation is not the only thing to talk about with others.
I know this is largely down to lack of confidence but for some reason i cant draw on my own power to rebuild it, i feel trapped almost.
I have joined a writing group, i’m in the process of rekindling old friendships with the ones who inspired me to be the person i used to be and want to be again…bubbly, confident and most importantly able to talk to people.
I want control back – the relaxed/vertical attitude doesn’t seem to work for me and clearly a balance must be found.
As i sit here watching the parents and children go by, i wonder whether any if them are jealous of my freedom to sit alone and to do as i please or can they say hand on heart that they are happy with their choices. The gig my dad and i went to last week was attended by an entire family…a brave thing to do on the parents part (expensive if nothing else) as being dragged to your parents choice of music is not normally popular with most teenagers, i wondered if it was due to lack of babysitter or if they felt their children should be educated musically, thinking about my parents taking me to concerts and gigs when i was little it also reminded me of taking my god daughter to her first festival aged 7; i feel its very important for developing your mind and your social skills to see live music and listen to music. Some become singers, some become the audience and some even become critics. To criticise can be difficult, the risk of offence can be a deterrent for some whereas others relish the thought of confrontation.
Confrontation is the bane of my life and has been for some long time, i cant stand it as i struggle to control my emotions at the best of times so to be put on the spot renders me incapable if speaking most of the time and frankly this must stop, its neither helpful nor productive in any way shape or form.
From now on and always i must do my best to be positive at all times and appreciate the gifts i have been given.